I'm here again aren't I????

Well this looks familiar. This space looks just as unkept as I last left it, or witnessed it, shall I say. It seems like I'm supposed to clean something I never dirtied -something I would've cleaned if I actually messed up. I promise I wou'd've wiped the counters or even vaccumed the dirt, but the thing is I left before I witnessed just how unclean a space could actually become if it were loved unproperly. I don't know why I keep coming back here without my say so. Am I supposed to feel the dirt, or am I supposed to thank it? But why would I thank a messy environment if I actually thrive in cleaner spaces? What could it possibly say to me, that would actually ease my pain, my hurt. I was happy for what... a week, and then what I had was so carelessly taken from me, after everyone around me saw, and even took me to this "happiness".

I wish there was something I could take, something that would make me numb -possibly even erase my memory for a day or two, or my whole past, because it was trauamtic. Too traumatic to claim. Too sad to relive. I want to get away, but how is that even possible if I keep getting yanked back here without enough resources to even envision a better place. I'm always the topic of discussion. The person that everyone laughs at, but doesn't understand when I want to be alone. I'm the quiet person with a lot to say, but instead stays quiet, because when I say less, I can hear them plotting my death. They say that they would love to get to know me, but aren't these the same people who helped the devil take me down? The devil, I don't talk to. The one I haven't met yet. The one that doesn't whisper in my ear. The one that hasn't helped me up until this point. I DON'T WANT LIFE IF ITS LIKE THIS!!!! what did I sign when I had no recollection of how much this life form would actually endure... xoxo ItGirl OverLoad xoxo